My Chaos and Awe

It’s amazing the conflict inside me—

Two days ago my day ended with sweetness, understanding clarity and joy.

I gained tremendously in stepping into a sweeter place with my heart; knowing and seeing Jesus better! I got to a place where I could take an honest look at the impact of my own actions and be in a sincere place of asking, “Where was I really in this situation?”—“where was my heart in all this?”—“ where was my sin?”—“what do I need to do differently?”

I started to see that with the understanding of what I did wrong (or where Susie says I have an opportunity to learn) I can ask for God to meet me in that place of sincerely wanting to change…and I fully expected there to be change.

Before that though my general condition of my mind was thinking fairly negative thoughts and it was a struggle every hour and sometimes many minutes in that hour to repeat good and true things. I was fighting against this tainted thinking as if I was truly physically fighting. My body, mind, emotions and spirit were just being drained of the will to keep fighting…God help me…it’s been too long out of that sweet place with you…

I was trying to fight on my own and I was utterly failing. I got to a place where I was almost gritting my teeth to praise, as awful as that sounds. Trying to will myself to do and say what was right even as my thoughts and heart felt intense hurt, anger and betrayal. I was given reprieve as I got to spend some beautifully intimate time with incredible women. My heart in all of its chaotic mess and my mind in the midst of its crazy-making thoughts; found stable ground through love and validation. I was reminded that I needed to take care of myself by giving permission to myself to say no. I was given the gift of laughter and rest as I enjoyed dinner, a movie and godly, honoring company—to which my only response could be nothing but sit in awe of Him!

Psalm 42:1-2 “As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for You, O God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; when shall I come and appear before God?”

I remember that day and I ask God to forgive me because at this moment…I’m failing to keep my head up. I feel so tired and so incredibly overwhelmed. I’m frustrated that my mental and emotional well-being feels threatened and I am weary.

How is it that so shortly after clarity and honest-to-goodness breakthrough comes such an intense onslaught? It feels like I just tripped and fell so hard that the wind was knocked out of me—

Gosh, I need something to help me—

A word—

A friend—

A comforting hug—

God, something! I need You to show up!

When I was praying this, I was at work standing in front of my locker.

In my spirit, I knew I was to look at a devotional that I have in there to see what God had for me—

As I opened the pages this is what I found—

“Seek My Face, and you will find all that you have longed for. The deepest yearnings of your heart are for intimacy with Me. I know because I designed you to desire Me. Do not feel guilty about taking time to be still in My Presence…”

1 Chronicles 16:11 “Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually.”

I had tears streaming down my face as my heart felt fully seen and fully known.

God, I’m so thankful that in my wrong thinking and stubborn negativity—You love me with a constant pursuing that puts me in awe—

…and I am in amazed!

Joyfully His,

Jewel