It Is Always Darkest Before Dawn (Part 1/3)

Such is the confidence that we have through Christ towards God. not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God. 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

Our boldness and our confidence should come from our hope in God. In what He has done with our broken lives. In what His Son Jesus did on our behalf. Before I knew Him, four and a half years ago I was broken, really spiritually dead. It was autumn, leaves falling, crisp cool fall wind whipped through the culdesac at my parents house.  I had stopped by to pick up my three daughters who had spent the night with my mom. I sat with my car idling in the driveway of the house I grew up in. Too ashamed to get out of the car. Too ashamed to spend anytime talking to my mom, she could see through me. When she saw my face, her eyes filled with tears. She said, "I can barely see you anymore." I was disappearing before her eyes.

Addiction had wrapped its spindly crooked fingers around my heart and I was in the lion's mouth. I had no friends left, everyone who loved me, warned me, "You are going to end up dead." or "You need to get help, this isn't normal." The funny thing is that noone could tell me what to do. Or they would try but I didn't see how it was possible to climb out of the hole that I had crawled in to. It was cold, dark and I was dirty. I was in the miry pit.

I will never forget the weekend that followed that conversation. Sitting in Spenard, in front of the Chelsea Inn at 4 am. The street lamps glow lighting the night. Coming out of yet another black out, high. The sick sinking feeling that set in as I realized  that I had once again found drugs after a night of drinking. I had wanted this cycle to die. I desperately wanted to change. I hated who I had become. I could barely take care of myself, let alone my 3 beautiful baby girls who relied on me for strength and love. I was empty. I knew I was out of options. I had come to the crossroad.

God spoke to me that night, "Take one more step, you will fall." I was out of chances. I had walked the wobbly line along the cliff and I had finally come to the part that was crumbling beneath my weary feet. I felt the fear of God rush over me like a wave. I knew that he had been gracious up to this point.

 I knew I was a sinner. I had grown up with a mother who loved God and taught me His ways. I recognized the depravity of my black heart. I felt like the scum of the earth. I felt used, unvalued, unseen, unwanted. The only people who spent time with me were stuck in the quicksand of the same miry bog that I was in. Hopeless, sinking, seeking fake happiness, unattainable peace, chasing the wind, just one high after another to make life seem worth living. I had truly lost all hope. I stared death in the face.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

In that moment I realized that I was not able to do anything on my own apart from God. I was completely insufficient to do anything anymore. That morning in the dark I cried out. And new hope was born, a new creation in Him. The death of who I was, birthed new life in Jesus Christ. No fireworks, no amazing feelings overtook me. At the moment I died to myself, I remember asking God, "Please tell me that I will smile again."

Thus says the LORD: “In a time of favor I have answered you; in a day of salvation I have helped you; I will keep you and give you as a covenant to the people, to establish the land, to apportion the desolate heritages, saying to the prisoners, ‘Come out,’ to those who are in darkness, ‘Appear.’ They shall feed along the ways; on all bare heights shall be their pasture;  Isaiah 49:8-9

God answered me, and he qualifies me. In my weakness his power is displayed. My sufficiency comes from Him alone.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:1-3

He gave me a new song, and a new smile. <3

<3 Erin